Sunshine and Apologies
by oldandgray
Summary: An apology made to someone who can no longer accept it, or can he?


**Another Sunshine one-shot. Jal was never my favorite character, I could never form an attachment to her or what she was going through, but I still disliked what was done to her at the end of season 2. So here is a happy moment in the sun.**

 **Skins may not be mine, but the grammatical and spelling errors are.**

* * *

"Hello?"

"Hello Michelle?"

"Jail, is that you? How are you?"

"I am good, how are you and Tony?"

"We're well. We saw you the other night on BBC Two, they aired a concert by your orchestra."

"I am only Second Chair, it is not really _my_ orchestra. I think that was the one they recorded a few months ago. You might notice a little difference if you saw me today."

"Nothing that will shock those high brow patrons too much I hope."

"I'm pregnant."

"You are? Oh Jal that's wonderful, congratulations. How far a long are you?"

"Six months."

"Has it been that long since we saw you?"

"We were keeping it a secret. I wanted to ask a favor."

"Sure anything."

"I want to go see Chris, and I was hoping you would go with me."

There was a long silent pause.

"Jal I thought you had moved on."

"I have. I just need to do this."

"You've got to let go, Steven is going to think you are carrying a torch for Chris."

"Fine! I'll just find someone else. Maybe Cassie, she would understand..."

"Jal wait. Don't hang up. I'm sorry. I will go with you."

"I don't want you to do anything you didn't want to." The acid bite was still in her voice.

"Lighten up a little, okay? We have been friends too long, you don't have to bully me like I was one of your brothers. I just want to know you are doing this for the right reason."

"I'm sorry Shell," her voice had softened. "I just have to go one more time, one final goodbye."

"Okay, when?"

"Would tomorrow about noon work?"

"Sure, I'll drive and pick you up at your flat."

"Thank you."

"Hey, I'm still your friend. I got to look out for you."

"I know, thanks. Bye"

"Bye."

* * *

The car ride was a quiet, solemn event. They each exchanged a few pleasantries, about the other and what a nice day it was, but other then that hardly a word was spoken. At the cemetery they both got out of the car and Michelle took Jal's hand. Together they walked down the path towards Chris' grave. About two rows away Michelle stopped beneath a large tree. "I will go on with you if you want, but I get the feeling you need to do this alone. I will be right here if you need me."

Jal looked up into her friend's face and managed a weak smile. "You know me a little too well. I think I will be okay." She turned and slowly approached the grave. Stopping at the foot of it she took a moment and let the quiet surround her. It was a beautiful warm day, with just a slight breeze and not a cloud in the sky. She let it all soak in as she thought about what she wanted, needed to say. Moving forward she removed a few stray leaves from the head stone and then went back and sat cross legged at the foot of the grave.

"Hi Chris. This seemed to be the place to find you. That you would be here looking out for your brother and all. Sorry that's stupid. Your dead, where else would you come to talk to the dead but at their grave.

"I guess you can see I'm pregnant. That's one of the things I wanted to say, to tell you, Steven and I are going to have a baby, and it makes me so happy. And it makes me so sad. I am so sorry I could not keep our baby. I couldn't do it, be a mum, without you. I'm not sure I could have been a mum even with you. I didn't know who I was or what I wanted. I would have messed the kid up even more then I was. I don't want you to be mad at me I just wasn't strong enough. It wasn't because you were the father, it was all that I couldn't be a mother at that moment.

"I also need to say that I am sorry I was not there for you when you needed me the most. I thought I was doing what I need to do, what was expected of me. I should have spent every moment I had with you. And been with you at the... the... end. I wasted so much of our time trying to change you, when I should have accepted the person I loved. I am so sorry, please for give me for that.

"This last part is the hardest. I need to say goodbye. I need to let go of this part of my past and make room for the changes the future will bring me. I wont forget you my love but I have to move forward without you." The emotions had been held in check as long as she could, and the tears broke through.

Michelle could see Jal start to cry, and moved to go comfort her friend. But something made her pause, a stray thought that she need to work through this, that she just needed a little time. As she watched the crying ended as fast as it started.

Jal let the tears come. But as she sat there the sadness and loss was replaced by an image of Chris smiling and laughing. The feeling of missing a friend remained, while the sadness melted away. She took a few deep breaths and stood. Looking forward and at nothing and everything, "Goodbye Chris. Thank you for showing me how to live and to love. I will remember always." She turned and walked back to Michelle.

"Are you alright?"

"Yeah I think so."

"What happened?"

"I don't know, but I think it will be okay."

* * *

Being dead is a little strange. It's cool, but at the same time a little strange. Most of the time I am not here or there, I am everywhere and nowhere. Figure that one out. I mean it, really, please, I could use the help. Anyway, when someone comes looking for me I can be there, you know at my grave, but it's not like I hang out there all the time. And before you ask, no I don't haunt the place I died. I don't know who started that rumor.

There are some people I can get closer to then others. When my dad came by it was all I could do to stay until he left. I kept fading back into that everywhere/nowhere thing. With mum it was different I had no problem staying but I really couldn't get closer than a few meters to her. I think it was because of her wanting to distance herself and run away from my illness.

When Tony or Sid visit I can stand right next to them. But when Angie or Jal come to see me I can stay as long as I like and if I try real hard I can almost touch them.

With Jal coming to visit I was there waiting for them. I stood by my head stone as they walked up. Michelle waited by the tree as my girl approached. "Hi Jal. Thanks for coming to talk to me. It's a very nice day, and so quiet and peaceful. Lots of sun and just a soft little breeze." I cannot really feel the breeze, but I can see the leaves on the trees move.

"That's not stupid. Where else would you expect to find me. The grave is a logical place to look." I laid down backward in my grave, feels a little weird like being backwards in bed, and put my head in Jal's lap.

"Yes I did see that you are pregnant. I am happy for you too. No don't be sad. It was the wrong time for either of us to try and be parents. You would have been a great mum, and now you will be an even better one. The fault belonged to neither of us, it was just not meant to be"

"Don't say that. You did what you needed to do, what was expected of you. If you hadn't you wouldn't have been the person I loved. I had so many friends around me, no one could have been so lucky. I am so glad you were not there at the end. It was so messy and ugly I wish no one had to be there. I didn't even what to be there. And I was not alone at the end, Cassie was there. Don't take this wrong, but I am glad it was her and not you. As much as it hurt her it would have been worse for you. I owe her so much for holding me that last moment, and letting me think of you. Don't worry that you tried to change me. Change is part of life, and death. If you think back carefully you'll realize you accepted more me then you changed. There is nothing to forgive."

It's okay Jal, I knew this time would come. Go forward and live. You need to be there for Steven and the baby. My time is done, don't let me hold you back. I wont forget you either. We are tied together. A part of me will be there when ever you think of me."

I sat up as she started to cry. "Michelle, wait a moment, she will be okay, she just needs to work through this."

I reached up and took her face in my hands, I could almost feel her skin. "Don't be sad. Smile and remember your Monkey Man."

"Goodbye Jal, be strong, be happy and love those around you. And remember to say 'yes'."

I watched them walk away, and I faded to everywhere.


End file.
